|
For those of us that work with Tools (a little Tool Humor)
|
| Guts |
Posted on 04/24/09 - 5:59 AM
|
Member
Personal Page
Posts: 612
Comments:
8
Joined: 11/21/08
|
TOOL DEFINITIONS
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time
it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- '
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a
bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect..
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals
under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws
and butchering your palms.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while
in use.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also,
most often, the next tool that you will need!
|
| |
|
|
| moose |
Posted on 04/24/09 - 6:06 AM
|
Member
Personal Page
Posts: 543
Comments:
1
Joined: 03/07/07
|
I own and have used most of those in the manner described. A friend used a very small slotted screw driver to try to remove a stubborn screw. It slipped and went completely through his thumb. He did the dams-it routine followed by telling me that he couldn't do anything with his right hand. I replied that I didn't know he was ambidexterous. Then he followed up with the throwing of the screwdriver.
Mike
|
| |
|
|
| MW |
Posted on 04/24/09 - 7:13 AM
|
Member
Personal Page
Posts: 1827
Comments:
10
Joined: 01/08/06
|
I tried to use a jig saw to carefully cut out a notch under the console (in place), the saw hung up and (like a powerful magnet) flew my hand a foot away into the new engine ignition wiring harness, I frantically shut down the saw as the last stroke of the blade winding down cut through the very last wire in the harness.
Matt |
| |
|
|
| Turpin |
Posted on 04/24/09 - 7:25 AM
|
Member
Personal Page
Project Albums
Posts: 434
Comments:
20
Joined: 07/04/08
|
It is comforting to know that someone else has apparently shared in my agony as I have experienced all of the misuses of each tool.
|
| |
|
|
| Bob Younger |
Posted on 04/24/09 - 11:24 AM
|
Member
Personal Page
Posts: 136
Comments:
2
Joined: 06/22/07
|
I've also noticed three things about tools:
1. While contorted under the console the tool you need is ALWAYS 1 inch beyond your grasp. All other tools can be easily reached.
2. The tool you have been spent the last 1/2 hour looking for is already in your hand. Your have absolutely no idea how it got there.
3. The bolt you need to remove perfectly matches the socket you don't have.
|
| |
|
|
| duf |
Posted on 04/24/09 - 11:27 AM
|
Member
Personal Page
Photo Albums
Posts: 840
Comments:
9
Joined: 04/22/07
|
i doubt there are to many handy man type guys that haven't had a similar experience with many of the tools mentioned.
Duf 
|
| |
|
|
| whalersal |
Posted on 04/24/09 - 11:31 AM
|
Member
Personal Page
Posts: 100
Comments:
3
Joined: 04/19/05
|
funny. i like!
|
| |
|
|
| dauntless-n-miami |
Posted on 04/24/09 - 7:42 PM
|
Member
Personal Page
Project Albums
Posts: 315
Comments:
0
Joined: 11/05/08
|
Been there done that more times than I would like to remember. How about the almighty cordless drills, when you need to use the darn thing (to avoid de-tangling your 100 ft. extension cords to use your electric drill) you soon discover the battery and spare are discharged. Those tool definitions are great, now imagine when a project on an engine lathe or verticle milling machine go south on you. Very scary...
1996 Dauntless 15, Sportsman Pkg. - 2007 Yamaha 90 HP 2-Stroke |
| |
|
|
| Binkie |
Posted on 04/24/09 - 7:53 PM
|
Member
Personal Page
Posts: 2012
Comments:
0
Joined: 12/19/05
|
If you ever drop a lug nut when your changing a spare tire, it will always roll under the car to the exact center.
Rich |
| |
|
|
| MW |
Posted on 04/25/09 - 1:04 AM
|
Member
Personal Page
Posts: 1827
Comments:
10
Joined: 01/08/06
|
OR..."I'll put this bolt "HERE" on top of the engine while I'm working, I'll remember where it is later" !
Matt |
| |
|
|
| John Fyke |
Posted on 04/25/09 - 5:19 AM
|
Member
Personal Page
Posts: 1307
Comments:
0
Joined: 09/06/06
|
My hammer always seems to hit me more than what I want it to hit. 
|
| |
|
